Ujda Chaman, Review: Hair loss, weight gain

Barren follicles and overflowing lipids can, and often do, cause the corps to be subjected to taunts and ridicule for extended periods of time, maybe all through life. If you happen to be in the marriage market, sporting a bald patch up front, or ample girth across your perpendicular stance, these are distinct disadvantages, almost as bad as age differences of 20 or more years between prospective suitors. Highlighting the plight of obese and balding persons around 30, who want to get married, but are handicapped by their conditions, Ujda Chaman (Barren Garden) makes a bold effort. It is sad, therefore, that it falls short of expectations that it raises itself.

Chaman Kohli, who is just about to turn 30, has been trying for the last five years to find a match, and has always failed, because he has a bald patch on his forehead, although he has a steady job as a Hindi lecturer in a Delhi college, the family is middle class and owns a house, a car and a scooter. He lives with his parents Shashi and Sushma, and a younger brother, Goldy, a good for nothing louse. As soon as the prospective bride’s family discovers that the picture posted on the Internet is of his much younger self, of a time when he had normal hair. This is enough for the family to exchange abuses and walk-out. What adds to his woes is the fact that his brother, Goldy, blessed with normal hair, is always trying to hook-up with single girls, and horror of horrors, even succeeding.

Desperate, he confides his woes in a college peon, who seems to be having a blissful married life, always on the phone with his wife. The peon suggests that he should try to propose to his single colleagues at the college. That misfires badly, as one of them has a steady boy-friend while another is about to get married. To his utter amazement, a twenty-year-old student of his, Aaina Ali Khan, piles on and makes distinct overtures. This is all the more shocking because he is used to being called out by the insulting moniker of takla, ganja or ujda chaman (and more), all of which are epithets for bald. Too good to be true, the entire episode turns out to be a ruse to get the examinations question paper leaked to her, so that she can score high marks. He then decides to post his profile on Tinder, and lo and behold, there is a response. A match is found, and she is called Apsara (fairy). At the meeting spot, he calls her mobile and she tries to search him out. He gives his exact location. “But,” she retorts, “the only man standing there is bald, in a white shirt and black trousers.” As he turns around, he sees a woman in a plus size on her mobile phone.

An official remake of the Kannada film, Ondu Motteya Kathe, written by Raj B. Shetty, the Hindi version has been penned by Danish J. Singh. Motteya means egg-head, another word for bald, and kathe means story. Certainly there is a germ of an idea, an off-beat subject that does not conform to most popular genres. The writers have steered clear of slapstick and stale jokes…well, almost, except the incident with the principal. A format of organic unity emerges, with a person who is ‘handicapped’ getting to meet and possibly hook-up with another who is differently ‘handicapped’. Interestingly, both these handicaps are cosmetic in nature, and not a disability that might affect the brain, skin, nerves or limbs, for example. It is a parable that expands on the dictum that beauty is skin deep and it is the inner beauty that counts. Dialogue is largely utilitarian, often conveying just the right sentiment. But it does tend to go over-board whenever Chaman’s parents, get into a scene. “Celibate” becomes “celebrate” and testosterone becomes…can’t remember what.

Abhishek Pathak, son of producer Kumar Mangat, has produced films earlier, directed the film. Trained in New York, he has been associated with cinema since the age of 17. At 32, he has produced at least 16 films and made two non-features. This is his feature debut. Some observations surface as we look back on Ujda Chaman: firstly, the character of the peon is too goody-goody to be real and seems to be there only to further the story; secondly, the copying scene in the examination hall is over-done, and, in fact, could have been dispensed altogether (in this context, the characters of the astrologer and the doctor are better integrated, though hopelessly type-cast); lastly, showing acute economy of writing, he does not get into the details of Goldy’s life and does not explain why the Kohli family does not try to post a picture of Chaman in his present state, just to see if anybody responds. They had nothing to lose. As the film nears its end, there is a scene wherein Apsara is riding on the pillion and Chaman is driving the scooter. Considering this combo had resulted in an accident earlier, in which both were injured but managed to escape with minor wounds, why would the two risk it again? Better vibes do not lead to lessened hazards.

Sunny Singh Nijjar (Akaash Vani, Pyaar Ka Punchnama 2, Sonu Ke Titu Ki Sweety) is entirely comfortable with his predicament, except when called names in the class-room. Not an easy job, considering the 34 year-old character has no heroic traits whatsoever, retains middle-class values and is just desperate to get married. TV and web series fame actress Maanvi Gagroo is 29, the age she plays in the film. You might not recall her from the minor appearances she made in No One Killed Jessica and PK, which is a distinct asset. Who would you have pictured mentally in her role, before she was cast? Bhumi Pednekar? Naw…she’s done it already! Next? Hmmmmm. Well, she’s the hmmmmm. And don’t let that waist and bust fool you—she’s learnt kathak and jazz. As an aside, she got fed up of getting nowhere, and went back to Delhi, to complete a degree in psychology, after which she landed back in Mumbai, initially doing theatre, and look where she is now.

Saurabh Shukla as Guruji can handle such roles for brunch and dinner every day. Atul Kumar is over-the-top as Shashi Kohli, and yet not totally unbelievable. Grusha Kapoor, who set the small screen on fire almost three decades ago in the series Tara, does an equally over-the-top job. It takes some believing to accept her in the hamming mother’s role, but time and tide wait for none, and she’s always been a decent actress. Gagan Arora fits the bill as Goldy in an ill-defined role while Karishma Sharma slips in easily to exploit the exploitative character of Aaina Ali Khan. Sharib Hashmi as the peon tries to instil some like in a prototype role. Manoj Bakshi does a good job as a doctor. Also featuring the cast are Aishwarya Sakhuja (impresses as the marriage fixated fellow-lecturer who Sunny wants to date), Dharmendra Singh Sharma, Abhilash Chaudhary, Himanshu Sharma and Guru Randhawa (party singer).

Music by Gourov-Roshin and Guru Randhawa fails to lift the narrative. The back-ground score goes hammer and tongs, allowing scarcely a moment to savour the dialogue or the visuals. At least 30 minutes of this imposition needed to be erased, or, better still, not recorded at all. Cinematography by Sudhir K. Chaudhary and editing by Mitesh Soni are undistinguished, though the film is considerately kept to a just about watchable length of two hours.

Noble intentions do not always translate into great cinema. Eschewing heroes, heroines and villains, avoiding inane farces, abjuring sex comedies, shunning patriotic war dramas and abstaining from bio-pics is worthwhile only if you can go one better. Ujda Chaman makes a start, takes a couple of unfamiliar twists, and then begins to toe the line, with familiar tropes. Moral of the story: Those who have faith in marriage as an institution, one in which children are the essential component, should not let minor things like a receded hair-line or proceeded waist-line get into their way. Look at what the cranium holds rather than the outer display and get inside the ample bosom, to the heart of the matter, before deciding on an alliance.

Ah! No spoilers, but if you know what organic unity means, and can guess the outcome by the halfway stage, you might not find the end much of a surprise.

In the end, your heart does go out for Chaman, when he sees roadside barbers sweeping away the hair they have cut from more hirsute clients, and urchins trying to sell him a comb, unaware of what lies beneath his scooter helmet.

I almost held back the ½, but it is the sincerity of effort that got the better of me.

Rating: ** ½

Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ls7RHTnCuiY