Golf is not very popular in India. Neither is ice hockey. Cricket is. So you cannot blame Sohail Khan for making these basic changes to the plot of the Adam Sandler film of yesteryear, Happy Gilmore (1996). Sandler was a failed ice-hockey player who gets holed big in golf. It’s 2016. Enter Nawazuddin Siddiqui, a failed male underwear street-vendor who can hit sixers at will, and carries over his tennis ball cricket prowess to the golf course. Freaky? What else? And yes, his name is Ali. No prefix, no suffix, no initials, no surname. Just Ali. It’s another matter that nobody in the two-hour long film ever uses the word Freaky. Freaky Ali is a strong case for bestowing the title Freaky Siddiqui on actor Nawazuddin—he lifts this handicapped film out of sand-traps so often that it is indeed freaky!

After a failed career in selling low quality underwear, laddie Ali (Nawazuddin Siddiqui) prays at a dargah (mausoleum) and almost immediately, his friend Maqsood (Arbaaz Khan) appears, with a proposal to join an extortion gang, run by Danger Bhai (Nikitin Dheer). Out to collect payment, they get into a tangle with a ferocious old woman, who nearly kills them. His fate turns when one day he and Maqsood go to a golf course, to collect extortion money from a businessman called Singhania. Ali confronts the man, who tells him to wait while he finishes the hole. Ali claims the task is easy, so the man asks him to show him. Ali putts the ball in just one ace, for he has a gifted natural swing. This not only surprises the man but his caddy, Kishan (Asif Basra), as well. As it happens, the caddy is well-known to Ali’s adoptive mother, Sulabha (Seema Biswas). He tells her about Ali’s talent and wants the prodigy to be groomed. A reluctant Ali is finally convinced, and the trio—Ali, Kishan and Maqsood—get to work. Soon, they encounter Megha (Amy Jackson), a talent manager, who kindles romance in Ali’s heart, and Peter (Jas Arora), the five times champion, who pours scorn on the low class competition in the elitist sport.

Choosing golf as the centre-point of the story is a big gamble, to say the least. It is not exactly unknown in India. Neither is it among the major sporting indulgences. On the world stage, in the week of the release of the film, India’s highest ranking star, Anirban Lahiri, was at No. 80. To be fair, he stood at No. 40, end 2015. The next Indian is at 246! It is known to be a rich man’s game, taking too long to complete, considering the individual nature of the contest. Like any other sport, it has had its share of nobodys who reached dizzy heights. Is Freaky Ali aiming to woo these potential ‘iron’ men? There seems to be little likelihood of making any headway there. Do Indian slum-dwellers even understand the word Freaky? Ali, they do. It is a common and revered name among Muslims, and there have been a few Alis in Indian golf.

The first Indian professional golfer to win the prestigious Indian Open was Ali Sher, in 1991. He garnered glory at a time when golf was considered a "boring" game for the "oldies" and clubs used to made of wood. The diminutive Ali had broken the foreign stranglehold, when he first shot a 67 to take the lead with the help of a hole-in-one, on the 184-yard seventh, on the second day, and then finished with a dramatic birdie on the final hole, to trigger a revolution in Indian golf. A caddie at the Delhi Golf Club, Ali repeated his feat in 1993, beating another Indian, Feroz Ali, by one stroke. Ali Sher's brothers Ali Hasan and Ali Jaan were professional golfers too. And there was Basad Ali, who once made it to No. 4.

Youngest brother of Salman Khan, Sohail, who is 46 going on 47, has written the story himself, and brought in stand-up comedian Raaj Shandilyaa from the Comedy Circus TV show to work on the dialogue. As did the makers of Welcome 2, with questionable results. Events are as predictable as they come, including visits to the dargah, a song dedicated to Ali Murtuza, the friend tuned greedy betrayer, the foul means adopted by the villain, and more. There are some interesting tracks too, one of which is wasted in a single, overdone scene—the Maharani, while the other—the amnesiac millionaire is allowed to linger a little too long instead of being developed. One shot, of Arbaaz Khan in a flimsy bathrobe, reclining on the bed, nibbling a bunch of grapes, when a sexy starlet walks into his hotel room, is a delightful blend of clever and naughty writing. Wish there was much more visual humour than the verbal crudity, obscenity and ‘humiliaty’ the film thrives on.

Sohail has often done judge duty on the Comedy Show, and Shandilyaa was a regular there. He then joined Kapil Sharma’s writing team. Meanwhile, the stand-up comedian has got his friend, writer Raaj Shandilya, on board. The two had earlier worked together in Comedy Circus. A couple of stand-out quotes from the stand-up comic,

“I have actually written over 1,000 scripts, but the number of scripts mentioned in the ‘Limca Book of Records’ is 625.

“I have a long list of favourite movies. Films like Jaane Bhi Do Yaaron, Andaz Apna Apna and Welcome are movies that I can watch again and again.”

That noted, Freaky Ali must not figure in his list, as and when it is updated.

Double entendre, ‘in’complete, hole-istic approach, putt-ing and put-ting, gulf and golf, punch-line and punch, Thuperman and Superman, are banal and contrived ploys for the most part. Comedy gone commadie. When he gets into ‘dialogue-baazee’ (claptrap, one-upmanship lines), he almost always overdoes it. Reverse start, harmless middle and hard-hitting crescendo.

In his 20^th year as director, Sohail Khan (Auzaar, Pyaar Kiya To Darna Kya, Hello Brother, Maine Dil Tujhko Diya, Jai, Ho), an actor who has also produced this film, shows little evidence of his learning curve going upward. Ali’s swings and punching the air shots are far too many and far too similar, whether with the cricket bat or the golf club. The looped (continuous play, end to end) background score ditto. A suggested side track, about Arbaaz’s love interest, has either been lost in the scripting, or has been edited out. There was no place for the first song in the narrative and the composers Sajid-Wajid have laboured over the second. ‘Ali Murtuza’ number is passably good.           

A younger looking, more energetic than ever, Nawazuddin Siddiqui, stoops like an eagle at every chance to display his skills, and almost drives away the ‘bogey’man. The word is almost. Few actors would be able to mouth the squirmy lines that he does without any compunction. That apart, his well-wishers, though (and I know they include Sohail Khan) would do him a favour by not expediting a burn-out. Don’t saddle this beast of burden with so much weight, please. Villainy and sexuality do not come naturally to the calm persona of Arbaaz Khan, yet he passes muster here. Amy Jackson is amiable and serviceable, with little to do. Amy Jackson, who said that she fell in love with Nawazuddin Siddiqui on screen, after watching him in Gangs of Wasseypur, and was initially scared to act opposite him. I believe her. This is Amy’s third Hindi film, after Ekk Deewana Tha and Singh is Bliing.

At one point, his name appears to Vikram Rathore. Later, it is Peter. Jas Arora as the show-off, slimy incumbent champion, is either a Gulshan Grover devotee or has a naturally similar voice and dialogue delivery. Asked to ham, misbehave and glower, he does as instructed. Seema Biswas is named Sulabha, and why not? She is cast a Marathi-speaking woman and two of the greatest Marathi speaking actresses in our films have been Sulabhas. Seema is a seasoned veteran and is in good form. Asif Basra struggles to remain in character, while Paresh Ganatra is made to play the fast-talking fool one more time.

Nikitin ‘Hulk’ Dheer, baddie, the butt of below the belt humour, could have been a smart piece of untypical casting, had they worked on his character. In the end, it is a colossus waste. Names of the actors playing the Maharani, Singhania, Arbaaz’s love interest, the two baldies, the Superman boy were not traceable. And then there is Jackie Shroff, as the Bog Boss, the Bade Bhai. A few badly needed genuine laughs come with his entry. And guess who does he have a major confrontation with? Seema Biswas.

Cinematographer Mahesh Limaye and Editor Prashant Singh Rathore might want to reconsider any intention of adding this film to their CV.

Freaky Ali is a film about holes and clubs. Wish there were more clubs than holes.

Rating: **

Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sT6ywcPNTWk